Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mikey Update 5/27/10

Caution for young eyes: Brief mentions of male anatomy, though I tried to code it a little.

We went to the pediatrician Tuesday and Wednesday.  I thought Mikey might have an infection somewhere on or in his man parts because they forcibly retracted him to put in a catheter (not necessary, but many American health professionals don't know what to do with an intact peeper).  Other than some bruising and a probably yeast infection, he's fine.  The doctor doesn't think there is any permanent damage.  For more information on circumcision, please visit the following sites:

http://www.drmomma.org/
http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/

We managed to get into a cancelled spot for our modified barium swallow today (to check for aspiration, which we suspect was caused by the vascular ring).  Thank God for small favors; the next opening was in July.  I'll give you the abridged version here.  Mikey cried and fought and wouldn't take the barium willingly.  After some really ridiculous generalizations from the speech pathologist and a big fight on my end, they found a workaround, and Mikey passed with flying colors.  With yet more ridiculous reasoning, the speech pathologist refused to sign off on feeding Mikey by mouth.  She said it was up to the pediatrician.  She recommended we wait for guidance from the speech pathologist who does our evaluation for feeding therapy, and the pediatrician agreed.  It will likely be days before we can even schedule the evaluation, and I have no idea what kind of availability they'll have.  So now we wait again...

Saturday, May 8, 2010

How can God let bad things happen?

A friend inspired me to raise a question: do you see any conflict in this reasoning?

God is all powerful, but He doesn't ALLOW bad things to happen to us; they just do.
 
This friend is one of many people in my life who feel this way.  A minister, in fact, reprimanded me in front of the entire women's ministry for believing God allows bad things to happen.  I was alone in my beliefs that night, with 15-20 church ladies staring at me in horror and disbelief.
 
I get uncomfortable when Christians argue that God isn't responsible for bad things because that means they don't believe He is in complete control, regardless of how much they argue they do.  The problem is people don't want to believe God would allow bad things to happen.  I understand that; it's in conflict with the idea of a loving God.  However, I feel much better knowing He allowed something to happen to me than thinking bad things just come along.  At least I know he preselected my bad thing knowing I could handle it.  What's more, how could we possibly appreciate God's mercy and grace or even acknowledge that we need God if nothing bad ever happened?
 
I speak nowhere near as eloquently on this topic as my friend, Jen, so I encourage you to visit her blog and read her take on the matter.
 
Itsy Bitsy Family: How can God let bad things happen?
 
Life: God dishes it out, so I have to trust Him with my portion.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Maybe I'm doing something right?

Three times this year I have been blatantly attacked by demons.  (I know you're thinking I'm nuts right about now, but bear with me.)  They grip my body when I'm not fully awake and hold it hostage.  I cannot move nor speak, and since I'm not fully awake, I'm limited in what I can try to do outside my mind.  All I can do is pray once it's over.

On February 20, I thought I heard Ellie over the monitor, but I immediately realized what it was: a demon.  I braced myself, pushing back in my chair, right as it slammed me back into the chair.  (I don't know how I knew to sit back, but I'm glad I did!)  By this time, the sound was like deafening static.  I was conscious of Mikey sleeping in my arms and grateful that the attack targeted only me.  I previously have tried to call out to Mike, hoping he can rouse me, but I'm unable to get sound to come out of my mouth, even once I can open my mouth.  (I can't move at all at first.)  Then I try to hit myself or something, anything, to break free.  I'm never really moving, and I come to just as I regain movement in my somewhat-unconscious mind.  The "thing" leaves me as quickly as it comes, and all is peaceful again.

I didn't try to call out to Mike this morning because he'd just left.  The attack happened literally as soon as the bedroom door latched behind him.  I came to moments before he left the house.  Knowing Mike was not there, I called to Jesus.  (At least that doesn't require the ability to speak!)  The "thing" left me more quickly, like being sucked into a vacuum.  I don't think that's a coincidence.

That night I was musing about how it only happens in partial consciousness.  I figure that's how they get in - through dreams.  I remember a pastor on the radio recounting a time when it happened to him - same thing, no ability to move or speak or breathe freely.  His story helps me to know I'm not crazy.  I can't fear it happening again, though, or it certainly will, this peculiar type of enemy attack.

(If you don't already think I'm nuts, keep reading...I'm sure you'll get there.)

My most recent attack was actually a waking attack.  I was in my closet going through my journal, recounting my experiences in my head, and just as I was about to put two Godspeaks together, I heard a very freaky noise.  It sounded like a cat crying in our bathroom.  I couldn't make out what it was, and it was so weird I got up to check it out.  As I got to the doorway between the bathroom and bedroom, the sound suddenly became Ellie's crying through the monitor.  Now, I KNOW that wasn't the sound I heard.  Had it been Ellie crying, I would have finished my thought first, because the type of cry was that of a lost pacifier, not that of an emergency.  I knew right then that something had lured me away from my journal to keep me from finishing my thought.  I was a little scared, though, because I didn't know if Ellie really had cried or if the "thing" had imitated her crying to try to throw me off its path.  Then it occurred to me that if it was Ellie crying, the "thing" had probably made her cry.  Mama bear mode kicked in.  These "things" have never gone after my children before!  I went into her room to check on her, and she was sleeping like a log...no sign whatsoever of having been awake and crying just moments before.  I will always wonder if that "thing" really made her cry or just imitated her, and I don't know what is more disturbing to me.

I went back into my bedroom and almost crawled into bed, but then I remembered that I'd been about to discover something.  I thought that I really needed to go to bed, but then my brain shot back, "That's what it wanted!"  I went back to my closet and finished what I'd started, feeling a little powerful because I hadn't let the "thing" beat me.

Most of these attacks happen the nights I write one of these posts in my journal and plan to post it the next day.  Incidentally, my computer also breaks whenever I'm about to post this particular article (so I'm using Mike's computer...I hope these "things" don't go after Mike's computer now!).  Also, our dishwasher was having issues for weeks while I was trying to write this post, and the air conditioner broke in my car.  Sure, you could argue that these are coincidences.  I feel safer assuming they're not.  You know, staying aware and all that...

Even as I type this post, there is a strange noise in my house that steals my attention and, as I suspected, is not coming from anyone or anything that belongs in my house.

Since these attacks, I've done a little Internet research and found the semi-wakeful attacks to be not uncommon.  They describe my experiences perfectly.  My research led me to how demons are invited in and how to get them out.  For weeks after the attack on February 20, I felt a presence on the ottoman of my chair, sitting there in wait.  I decided to try out a statement suggested on one of the sites, demanding the demon leave:

"I now command you to leave me right now, and you are to never, ever come back on me again. GO NOW – in the name of Jesus Christ! I repeat – GO NOW in the name of Jesus Christ!”
(from Battle Command Against Demonic Spirits, also a great site that relates well to my experiences)


I felt a little silly, but I meant it just the same.

I didn't feel anything right away, but, again, I was feeling silly.  Over the next few days, the presence I felt started to more closely resemble a memory; I still feel emotions when I walk by the ottoman, but I don't feel the ominousness that I did.

I know nobody likes to talk about demonic attacks for many reasons.  I think it's important, though, especially for evangelical Christians who might be discouraged if they don't understand what's happening.  There is no reason to fear these demons because we have Jesus to protect us.  I just think I must be doing something right to be a target...and of such a specific, obvious attack.

[Just in case you were curious, here's the discovery I was in the process of making (it's insignificant to anyone but me, but to me it's huge): My sadness about not nursing doesn't linger now after my wrestling match with God.  I was still sad after that conversation, but I wasn't angry or confused or any of the other negative emotions I felt.  At this point, I thought the sadness was still there because I expected it to be there.  I just realized that it had gone; God had replaced it with peace and acceptance.]

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Let God Work

Last night I felt God put it on my heart to send out a call to action on facebook: 40 Days of Prayer for Illegal Immigration.  I had visions of a snowball effect, hundreds of people agreeing to join in.  I thought this just might be the unifying event necessary to effect change, on however small a level.

Sure, I expected many of my invitees to decline, but I was surprised by a few of the first to do so.  These are people who I know pray at least daily; yet they can't commit to saying a prayer a day for 40 days?  Then my self-consciousness trigger was pulled: Do they think I'm asking them to support or oppose the new immigration law?  Certainly not, since I negated that in the description, but what if they didn't read the description?  My mind started going all sorts of bad places, from anger to paranoia to disappointment.  I even began to question whether God's hand was in this at all.

Suddenly I felt the aforementioned peace wash over me.  I knew right then that God would do with it what He'll do with it.  He did put the idea in my head, but the "snowball effect" was all my creation.  Let God work.  I have to remind myself of this often.

The devil definitely knows how to push my buttons.  This out-of-control negativity spiral of doubt and judgment started not two hours after I'd posted the event.  It's a good thing I keep in constant touch with God so He can set me straight.

Let God work.  Let God work.  Let God work.

I think I found a new watchword.

Too busy to be happy?


Why is it we often make the choice to ignore what makes us happy?  Sometimes we overfill our schedules.  Sometimes we feel obligated to do extra chores or favors for other people.  Sometimes we just choose to stay where we are.  We do all this while our happy buttons blink desperately to be pressed.

I love to read.  I'm happy if the only chance I have to read is while I'm on the potty; at least I'm getting some reading in.  Lately, though, I've been choosing to play Sudoku during these rare moments.  I tell myself that I like Sudoku, too, and it requires less concentration, and I'm really tired and don't want to engage my brain, and...

...and then my library books are due with no more renewals and I sadly drop them into the box.

I also love to write.  Sometimes I write a couple of words, other times I write pages and pages of stories or revelations or freewriting.  (Most of my writing is really freewriting.)  At the very least, I write down the daily happenings with the kids I want never to forget.  The latter is quite important to me, yet I haven't done that in over a month.  What do I do instead?  I watch TV and play on the internet.  I tell myself that I like TV and the internet, too, and they require less concentration, and I'm really tired and don't want to engage my brain, and...

...and I don't remember any of the cute things my children have done or firsts they've had in the last month, and I didn't write them down.

My writing really picked up when my computer was at the doctor instead of distractingly sitting next to me all evening.  I told myself that when I got it back I wouldn't fall into the same bad habits (read: addictions).  I hoped that when my computer had to go back to the doctor I'd take the second chance to change bad habits.  Instead I use the internet on my cell phone.

I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious cyclone of uselessness.  I want to get rid of the TV and all my online memberships.  Well, except for my blog... and email... oh, and I keep touch with people on facebook... and Mike and I don't watch that much TV... wait, I know that's a lie... but he'd never agree to it... but... but... but...

I hate the word "but."

There's one more thing that makes me happy: reading God's word.  Actually, it's the only thing I really need.  It's as important as eating and breathing and exercising and sleeping.  But I don't do it because... because... I DON'T KNOW!  I have no reason!

Why do we do this to ourselves?  I know some people think, "It's too late to become a professional [fill in the blank], so why bother doing it at all?"  Um, hello?!  Because it makes you happy!  Others think, "I don't have time to do something just for me."  (Mothers, do you see yourselves here?)  Duh!  You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself!  I often think, "I need to sleep, and if I start I'll be at it for a while."  Why the all-or-nothing attitude?

One friend listens to audio books while she goes for a walk with her kids.  Other friends have Bible study playdates.  (I've done that, too, but we have yet to find our momentum.)  I won't tell you what to do, but I am going to hide the Sudoku, turn off the TV, invest in some more journals and pens and make a commitment to myself to do the things I love, 1 minute at a time or hours, should I get so lucky an opportunity.