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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Maybe I'm doing something right?

Three times this year I have been blatantly attacked by demons.  (I know you're thinking I'm nuts right about now, but bear with me.)  They grip my body when I'm not fully awake and hold it hostage.  I cannot move nor speak, and since I'm not fully awake, I'm limited in what I can try to do outside my mind.  All I can do is pray once it's over.

On February 20, I thought I heard Ellie over the monitor, but I immediately realized what it was: a demon.  I braced myself, pushing back in my chair, right as it slammed me back into the chair.  (I don't know how I knew to sit back, but I'm glad I did!)  By this time, the sound was like deafening static.  I was conscious of Mikey sleeping in my arms and grateful that the attack targeted only me.  I previously have tried to call out to Mike, hoping he can rouse me, but I'm unable to get sound to come out of my mouth, even once I can open my mouth.  (I can't move at all at first.)  Then I try to hit myself or something, anything, to break free.  I'm never really moving, and I come to just as I regain movement in my somewhat-unconscious mind.  The "thing" leaves me as quickly as it comes, and all is peaceful again.

I didn't try to call out to Mike this morning because he'd just left.  The attack happened literally as soon as the bedroom door latched behind him.  I came to moments before he left the house.  Knowing Mike was not there, I called to Jesus.  (At least that doesn't require the ability to speak!)  The "thing" left me more quickly, like being sucked into a vacuum.  I don't think that's a coincidence.

That night I was musing about how it only happens in partial consciousness.  I figure that's how they get in - through dreams.  I remember a pastor on the radio recounting a time when it happened to him - same thing, no ability to move or speak or breathe freely.  His story helps me to know I'm not crazy.  I can't fear it happening again, though, or it certainly will, this peculiar type of enemy attack.

(If you don't already think I'm nuts, keep reading...I'm sure you'll get there.)

My most recent attack was actually a waking attack.  I was in my closet going through my journal, recounting my experiences in my head, and just as I was about to put two Godspeaks together, I heard a very freaky noise.  It sounded like a cat crying in our bathroom.  I couldn't make out what it was, and it was so weird I got up to check it out.  As I got to the doorway between the bathroom and bedroom, the sound suddenly became Ellie's crying through the monitor.  Now, I KNOW that wasn't the sound I heard.  Had it been Ellie crying, I would have finished my thought first, because the type of cry was that of a lost pacifier, not that of an emergency.  I knew right then that something had lured me away from my journal to keep me from finishing my thought.  I was a little scared, though, because I didn't know if Ellie really had cried or if the "thing" had imitated her crying to try to throw me off its path.  Then it occurred to me that if it was Ellie crying, the "thing" had probably made her cry.  Mama bear mode kicked in.  These "things" have never gone after my children before!  I went into her room to check on her, and she was sleeping like a log...no sign whatsoever of having been awake and crying just moments before.  I will always wonder if that "thing" really made her cry or just imitated her, and I don't know what is more disturbing to me.

I went back into my bedroom and almost crawled into bed, but then I remembered that I'd been about to discover something.  I thought that I really needed to go to bed, but then my brain shot back, "That's what it wanted!"  I went back to my closet and finished what I'd started, feeling a little powerful because I hadn't let the "thing" beat me.

Most of these attacks happen the nights I write one of these posts in my journal and plan to post it the next day.  Incidentally, my computer also breaks whenever I'm about to post this particular article (so I'm using Mike's computer...I hope these "things" don't go after Mike's computer now!).  Also, our dishwasher was having issues for weeks while I was trying to write this post, and the air conditioner broke in my car.  Sure, you could argue that these are coincidences.  I feel safer assuming they're not.  You know, staying aware and all that...

Even as I type this post, there is a strange noise in my house that steals my attention and, as I suspected, is not coming from anyone or anything that belongs in my house.

Since these attacks, I've done a little Internet research and found the semi-wakeful attacks to be not uncommon.  They describe my experiences perfectly.  My research led me to how demons are invited in and how to get them out.  For weeks after the attack on February 20, I felt a presence on the ottoman of my chair, sitting there in wait.  I decided to try out a statement suggested on one of the sites, demanding the demon leave:

"I now command you to leave me right now, and you are to never, ever come back on me again. GO NOW – in the name of Jesus Christ! I repeat – GO NOW in the name of Jesus Christ!”
(from Battle Command Against Demonic Spirits, also a great site that relates well to my experiences)

I felt a little silly, but I meant it just the same.

I didn't feel anything right away, but, again, I was feeling silly.  Over the next few days, the presence I felt started to more closely resemble a memory; I still feel emotions when I walk by the ottoman, but I don't feel the ominousness that I did.

I know nobody likes to talk about demonic attacks for many reasons.  I think it's important, though, especially for evangelical Christians who might be discouraged if they don't understand what's happening.  There is no reason to fear these demons because we have Jesus to protect us.  I just think I must be doing something right to be a target...and of such a specific, obvious attack.

[Just in case you were curious, here's the discovery I was in the process of making (it's insignificant to anyone but me, but to me it's huge): My sadness about not nursing doesn't linger now after my wrestling match with God.  I was still sad after that conversation, but I wasn't angry or confused or any of the other negative emotions I felt.  At this point, I thought the sadness was still there because I expected it to be there.  I just realized that it had gone; God had replaced it with peace and acceptance.]

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