I get asked, on almost a daily basis, how everything is going. I usually talk about Mikey for a bit and then throw in some facts or stories about Ellie. If someone probes further and asks about me, I say "fine." I might qualify it with "tired but good" or "stressed but managing." I never give much more than that. I don't really know why. Part of me thinks I'll seem dramatic or boring telling more than that. Part of me thinks the person asking doesn't really care to know; they're just being polite. Part of me thinks I'm not important enough to talk about.
I have no idea where that last part comes from. I don't think it comes from a bad place. Mikey's been through so much, through major surgeries and such, whereas I have been merely a bystander. Most days I don't think about how much I go through to take care of him. Sure, I grumble about all the therapy appointments, but that's just about the driving and the fact that they take over the whole day because of when they're scheduled.
I think people assume it's really hard on me because it could be really hard on a person to go through all of this. I've definitely had my breakdowns and other *special* moments. I know it's been hard on my husband. We, as humans, want to be in control and know what's coming. Our animal nature makes us fear for our survival, and that of our young.
What separates animals from humans is spirituality. What separates some humans from others is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I firmly believe that God uses everything for good. I believe that he answers prayers. I believe that God can do anything. Thanks to God's sacrifice of His only son, Jesus Christ, to pay for my sins, I no longer have to go through a priest to speak to God; I can speak to Him directly. Thanks to the miraculous resurrection of Jesus Christ, I have hope in all things.
Basically, when I'm feeling overwhelmed - by my emotions, my calendar, my physical obligations, I tell God, and He provides whatever I need. Sometimes He frees up my calendar. Sometimes He gives me a second wind. Sometimes He tells me it's okay to cry...or yell. Sometimes He tells me to blog. No joke. I've learned a lot while typing blog posts like these. He's even told me to turn on the television or radio; there's always a message waiting for me. Often, He tells me to be still and know that He's God. I couldn't ask for anything more reassuring.
So...back to not feeling important. Maybe, in a struggle to find words to describe my subconscious, I chose the wrong word. I don't feel unimportant or even less important. I feel like a fraud. If I say it's been hard, it feels like a lie because turning to God erases those negative feelings. If I say how wonderful God is, the listener might not believe I'm doing so well and think I'm lying.
I don't know why I'm so worried about others thinking I'm lying about doing well. My faith should be visible in how I live my life. If I'm doing well in spite of my troubles, it serves God to show that to people!
So, to answer your question: How are things? They are wonderful! God is so good. He is healing Mikey and using our struggles to encourage others going through these same struggles. He has brought us closer to each other and - more importantly - to Him by forcing us to stop leaning on our own understanding and instead lean entirely on Him. He has shown us the true value of family and time together. He has also forced us - well, me - to stop placing my focus and energy on issues that do not serve Him. He has culled much of the worldly and idealistic fluff out of my life. At the least, he's started the ball rolling.
Do I have hard days? Yes. But I have hope. I have faith. I have a good God who watches out for me.